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The last few years, there's been a lot of talk about this new Windows XP thing (to quote Bono at a 1984 concert: very, very too much talk!). What's all the buzz about, and how can you turn Windows XP to your advantage, if this is possible at all? Is MS Windows really that hard to install and manage, or is that story just the usual Red-Hat FUD? Your editor, though new to the whole Windows-movement, will try to figure this out for you today!
Intro part 1 (The serious part)
Let me start with a short note: though this is indeed a humorous article, I first meant to write an article, titled “Why I can't switch to Windows”, discussing some useful Linux-features I use very much, which can't be found in Windows. Probably everyone over here knows this features, so it's useless to write a serious article about it. On the other hand, it may be nice, to imagine someone who only used (Gentoo/GNU) Linux in his life, and never ever heard of Windows, but wants to try it. That someone, throughout this article, will be me. though in the future, this will probably be some Chinese/Indian/African person, and this might happen soon. Prices are real prices as paid in the Netherlands.
Intro part 2
Since I heard a lot about the difficulties one comes across during using Microsoft Windows® (which is a registered trademark of Microsoft Corp, Redmond, and from now on will be called just Windows for short), I decided I can use some help from my three friends, which I will first introduce to you.
First, there's Bill. Bill works at a large multinational, and has some business experience with Windows. Then, there's Melinda. Melinda is a freelance tech-journalist, dreaming about getting her articles published in the Washington Post. The last one of the three is Steve. Steve is a Windows advocate, and likes to participate in OS-flamewars. Steve told me that Windows, just like Gentoo, is all about choice. So, to stress this Fact which I should Get according to him, I shall try to use the words 'decide' and 'decision' as much as possible. Since it's called XP like in eXPerience, I shall cover the user-aspects first, and after that the configuration and other unimportant aspects.
Start: Getting Windows
Getting Windows is a bit different from getting Linux. Like Linux, you can down' it from the net, but Bill told me this is illegal, and I could be fined for doing so. The intended way to get Windows, involves going to your local hardware supplier. Like most Linux-distros, Windows is free (as in beer), but, on the other hand, Microsoft requires you to pay a Non-Voluntary Contribution® (called NVC from now on), without Microsoft couldn't continue their great work. So, I found a free version of Windows for which I had to pay only €80 NVC. Nonetheless, buying this version was also illegal as Bill told me, I should get the €250 version (something with OEM and retail, though I find it that hard to understand, I can't explain it to you). So I paid my NVC and took the CDROM back home.
Now, it's time to try the LiveCD. But, the first surprise: this CDROM didn't include a LiveCD! This is because the makers of Windows know for sure, this distro is so great, there's no need for trying before installing it. Also, Windows never crashes, so you won't need a LiveCD to bypass the default-boot from your hard disk. Since I paid €250 NVC, they should be right, so I decided to forget about the LiveCD and just install it.
Installing Windows
Installing Windows is really simple: just put the CDROM in the drive, change your BIOS so it boots from CDROM, and all else will be done (unless RAID drivers need to be loaded, but which Linux user does have RAID anyway?). Windows works with wizards, which are a very handy feature according to Melinda: “They work really fast, especially if you just press and hold the Enter-button down the whole time”. Since I know there's a license upcoming which I don't know, I decide to ignore Melinda's advice and first read the Windows XP EULA®. Like the EULA says, I check the Windows authenticity certificate, which is all right. The license is rather restrictive, but that's good, for if it wasn't, Windows would be much more expensive, Bill tells me. I also agree, Microsoft may install some upgrades from third parties on my system, so that third parties can protect their Intellectual Property (or IP for short. This has however nothing to do with the IP protocol, like the abbreviation suggests). That's great, since I wouldn't wanna steal anything from poor companies like Walt Disney, and I don't think anyone else should.
So now comes partitioning. Since I know from Linux that NTFS is a buggy file system (never got it to work smooth under Linux), I choose the more advanced FAT-fs, since there's no other option, this should be right for me. It's a disappointment I can't implement volume management tools like LVM or EVMS, or an initrd, but I decide to forget about this and go on, believing the Windows-team has made the right decision by not supporting this cumbersome features. So this means, I can forget about software-RAID and hard disk encryption supported by the kernel. But what about resizing partitions? Steve explains, this can be done in Windows. You go to your software-supplier, ask for the free Partition Magic 8.0, and after paying your €55 NVC, the Partition Magic CD can do a (tiny) part of the stuff EVMS can, like resizing.
After I told Windows that I use DHCP, after half an hour, the whole install is done. I have to reboot Windows 7 times, but after this, even X works right out of the box! My motherboard has two driver CD's. I put them in the CDROM, and follow the wizards, holding down the enter-key like Melinda told me. After this, my nvidia-driver works within five minutes and two reboots (bonus-points for MS!), and also my cmipci-sound chip works, which I can hear if Windows boots. Now don't mind the boot sound, it can be turned of by clicking through 10 windows. So Windows is installed and I'm offered a tour, but since I want to learn this stuff myself, I decide to click on the X-button (which is the same as in Linux), and the tour disappears.
Installing new software
So, I hear you ask, which package-manager does Windows have? The answer is simple: none, at least: no one capable of installing new software. This might be, because Windows also doesn't have a central software repository, like al decent distros. Instead, Windows relies on decentralized software. Steve will help me installing some software. Now this is where things get complicated, so pay attention!
Let's say, you're going to install a program which requires a NVC, like, say Microsoft Office, but don't know where it is. Since there isn't a central repository or package manager, you have to do this all manually. So, the Windows way of doing this are
-Go to Google, or even better, MSNSearch, and search for 'download Microsoft Office'. Sometimes this works. If it doesn't, try to find NCV-free programs like Gnucleus and BitTorrent, and install these, as explained further on.
-If Google gives no downloads (which it normally doesn't for programs which require a NVC), use BitTorrent / Gnucleus to get it, or buy it at a friend. Remember the name of the company providing you the software, you will need this later!
-If even this doesn't work, go to your local software-seller and pay the NVC. Buying software at a friend is generally much cheaper, because friends ask much less NVC, but don't forget, your friends do other stuff with the NCV than MS does.
If your download or CDROM from your friend already has your NVC key, you're lucky and can skip the next step. The NVC-key is needed to 'prove' to the software, you paid your NVC.
-Go to Astalavista. Type 'key' and then your program and start the search. Search an hour through these results, until you find a key, and remember it! Whenever a box pops up, click Yes.
-By this time you will have spyware and probably some adware. Linux doesn't have this, so let me explain. Spy/Adware are programs you don't need, but which MS allowed to install itself anyway, just as a service to you. You can remove this extra software pretty easy: Use the previous steps to install the latest AdAware, SpyBotSD and BHO Daemon programs, update them when asked, give your email when asked and agree to be spammed, and run them, and remove all things this programs come up with.
Now, you have all stuff needed. Don't mind about an MD5 checksum, programs for Windows are never corrupted, and Windows' IP stack is so stable, it don't allow downloads to contain small errors. Find out where you saved your software (always safe it for a backup), and doubleclick on it. After this, hold the enter key down, till nothing happens any more. Wait 10 minutes just to be sure, things in Windows can happen also while you don't see it. And never do anything else in this 10 minutes! Reboot (this IS needed!). Now, surf you're whole start menu until you find the companies name I told you to remember. Go to the sub menu with this name. Go to the only sub menu this sub menu offers (maybe twice or thrice). Now, figure out which link starts the program (don't move the mouse past the borders out of the grey start menu, you'll have to start all over again!). As all goes well, your new program is now started. Uninstalling can be done by using the (un)Install Shield, somewhere hidden in your config-screen. |
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